Olympic Mascot Beibei, who lost a foam ear and an arm in a scuffle with Dong Feng earlier this year.

BEIJING, CHINA—Dong Feng, a 34 year old baozi salesman and lifetime resident of Beijing, doesn’t know what’s happening here this summer. Although every day he serves hundreds of customers who love to gossip, he has remained classifiably ignorant of the international event coming to the city.

Word of his unique ignorance has spread quickly in Beijing, where the Olympics have become as much a part of the resident’s daily life as smog, dust, and annoying “er” sounds.

In fact, Mr. Dong has become quite the local celebrity, appearing on a number of local and even national television shows.

On one famous broadcast of a show called “Beijing Olympic Daily Party Factory” Mr. Dong was brought on as a special guest. In between patriotic songs about the Olympics and farm life, he was repeatedly asked the same question: “What do you think about the great event happing in Beijing in the summer of 2008?”

Famously, he became more and more indignant as the show went on, eventually attacking the Olympic mascot Beibei, who laughed at him when he didn’t know the answer.

“We’re pretty sure he’s the only person in China who doesn’t know about the Olympics in Beijing,” says Zhou Lei,, host of “Beijing Olympics Daily Party Factory.” “Our show alone has been broadcasting for six years now, with daily song and dance previewing the great glory this sporting event will bring to our great glorious country. How can he not know about it? Some people say he can’t really be Chinese, but I just think he’s a moron.”

Mr. Dong’s friend, Liu Bing, says he doesn’t understand how his friend doesn’t know. “We talk about it all the time, and he’s sitting right there in front of us, usually picking his nose or examining spots on the wall. When we ask him about it he takes his finger out of his nose, looks at it for a while, and then says he wasn’t listening.”

But has anyone ever told him directly? “Yes,” says Liu Bing. “There was a period about a year ago where I would tell him almost every day ‘The Olympics are coming, the Olympics are coming.’ He would just tune it out, like the word itself got caught in his ear wax or something.”

Whether due to ear wax, idiocy, or just some super human ability, Mr. Dong is a scientific wonder.  Yet whether or not this ignorance can be maintained when the Olympics actually arrive is anybody’s guess.  Many residents, such as his frequent customer Li Han, are hoping that there is no change.

“Making fun of him is so much fun,” says Mr. Li, “and after the Olympics we’re counting on having many more years of pleasure.  We want to taunt him about what happened in that special, special summer of 2008, and we definitely want to see him maim another stupid mascot.”

HEFEI, CHINA—For nearly thirty years the Gap between China’s rich and China’s poor has been growing at a terrifyingly fast rate, prompting worldwide condemnation from civil rights groups and doomsday scenarios from many of the worlds leading economists.

“It’s big,” commented one international observer upon seeing the gap.

Now, however, it appears that researchers working in China’s […]

by Pablo

CHENGDU, CHINA–Standing in front of class of seventy students at Chengdu University, Guy Gabbelsky was confident. He knew the task before him was well within his abilities to perform—teach conversational English to freshman university students for an hour and a half. With more than twenty six years of English speaking experience he knew his stuff. What could possibly go wrong?

Well, after about five minutes, just about everything.

by Eleanor Roosevelt

Thankfully all the Vile Beasts were already dead

JUNAN, CHINA–Villagers in Jihan, a small village on the Yangzte about two hours west of Wuhan, were stunned yesterday when they found hundred of strange creatures had washed up on their shore.

About a half-meter in length and deep gray in color, the creatures had no arms or legs, but did have a strange tail-like appendage at the end of their long bodies. They were also covered by thousands of hard, oval objects, gray in color and resembling the components of medieval-era Chinese body armor.

By Pablo

BEIJING, CHINA—Lewis Snodgrass last night bested two other competitors to win the annual “Best at China Award.” The award, first established in 2003 by China ex-patriot Lewis Snodgrass, was created in order to honor those who “live in the real China, speak Chinese, and just generally kick China’s ass, all the time, and with verve.” Past winners have included Lewis Snodgrass (three times) and Bill Cosby (once).

The goal of the award is to help distinguish the valuable Chinese ex-patriots from the valueless, “long term tourist types” who, Mr. Snodgrass explains, have been steadily polluting Chinese culture over the past 20-30 years.

By Eleanor Roosevelt

CHENGDU, CHINA—Bartholomew Franks knew he was a seriously important person the first time he was recognized on the street by a complete stranger.

Mr. Franks’ Business Card

“I was just walking around, thinking about velcro, when suddenly this complete stranger walked up to me, all smiling, and said hallo.” The man was a local seller of steamed buns who, Mr. Franks explains, recognized him by the fact that he wasn’t Chinese, and had a big nose. “‘Chang bizi’ that’s what he kept on saying to me, laughing. ‘Chang bizi.’ I thought it was pretty cool, so I gave him five kuai and a flourish of my hair, which is long, and flaxen”

By Pablo

Wang Junmu contemplating how to deliver his next “hallo”

CHENGDU, CHINA—Wang Junmu, a motorcycle repairman in this city of ten million, begins everyday with a tall glass of green tea and a quick survey of documents prepared by his friends the night before.

“These documents,” Mr. Wang begins, “are probably our organization’s most valuable asset. Without these we’d be wandering around aimlessly, blind, like a chicken, a chicken that is also blind, and maybe doesn’t have a head.”