Well, I was on my way to work yesterday when suddenly I had a thougt: “If only Belgians lived in China, would we still call it China?”

Well, it was a good thought, but while thinking it I got so excited I let go of the handlebars on the bus and when the bus driver hit the brakes I flew forward and smashed into a young lady ;). When I stood up I realized I knew who it was. Her name is Lulu. We work together.

“Sorry,” I said to her, “I was thinking about Belgians,” and then I winked. She didn’t seem to understand, because she gave me that look she always give me right before she walks away all huffy and puffy. Then she walked away, all huffy and puffy.

Right, well, as most of you already know I work as an English teacher here in Chengdu, even though English is not my first language (no, it is not French, either). I work at a place downtown, a private language school. Its name is “Insane English. What?” and is run by a Mrs. Zhang, who I never see except for her hand when it passes through a slot to give me my salary money. It is a sexy hand.

Anyway, when I got to work Ms. Li was sitting behind the desk. Ms. Li, who is a very pretty lady is also very scared of foreigners, so as soon as she sees me she always turns her head and looks at the wall, wheezing. Today she had something to tell me however, so she slowly turned her head back, not really making eye contact with me. She had a lot of trouble holding her head in that position. It looked like it would whip back to the wall at any moment.

“Meeting in the other room,” she said.

“Oh, yes?” I replied, and winked.

“Someone here to see you.”

“Hmm,” I said, pursing my lips and raising my eyebrow, “Yes, I suppose they would be here to see me, wouldn’t they?” Then I winked at her again. She started heaving, and turned to the wall.

I went into the meeting room. There were the other teachers, including Lulu, who’d arrived just before me. I saw Mrs. Zhang’s hand through the slot in the wall. At the head of the table was a young CHinese guy who’s hair was all frizzy. Many Chinese guys like this hair style. It looks kind of like a toy dog whose just been dried off with a hair dryer and then stuck on a peg.

“Hey man,” he said to me as I entered. I just nodded in reply, to demonstrate my lack of concern. “My name is Jin, and I work for a local TV station.”

Hmm, well suddenly I was much more interested. I went and shook his hand and sat right next to him, fixing him with a wink every 13.5 seconds. He explained that he was a casting director for a local TV station and they needed a foreigner for a movie, so they were going around to all the language skills looking for a foreigner.

“Ahem,” I said, raising my hand, “not only am I a foreigner, I am a highly skilled foreigner.”

At that Jin seemed to be very impressed. He gave me his businesss card and told me to send him an email with two head shots. I said no problem, because I have lots of head shots, if you know what I mean. He said I would be playing a Russian mass murderer who crossed into China during the time of troubles between China and Russia in the 1950s. He said the guy would kill a lot of innocent Chinese and then be chased into the Tibetan mountains and killed by Mao Zedong, who would be riding a white stallion and wielding a hammer and sickle.

I thought that sounded cool, but really I had no idea what he was talking about. I said “niet” anyway, to show him I could play a Russian. So we both shook hands again and then he left. I turned to Lulu and winked and said “Hmm. Looks like I will be a TV star soon. Rarrrr.” Then she walked away, all huffy and puffy.

Well, anyway, looks like I’m going to be a TV star soon.

I’ll tell you more about that when it happens.

Thank you.

Pablo.

Joe Highbury from Beijing asks: Pablo, your Chinese is so good (perfect–ed.), how did you learn it? Can I learn it too?

1. Meet lots of ladies ;): No joke, this is how my Chinese is so good (perfect). I have met and seduced many ladies . It’s good for your Chinese. Just be sure to interrupt the loving with the talking.

2. Don’t study. It’s a waste of time. Probably the best thing to do is just absorb the language. Since you’re in China that’s easy. I recommend going to a public place and lying down on the ground with your arms and mouth open.

3. Eat beans. Beans are related to the Chinese portion of your brain. Eat as many as you can.

4. Soap operas. Chinese soap operas are beautifully directed and written, and Chuck and I like to sit down with a bowl of sunflower seeds and watch them all day. It’s very good for your Chinese. Also, the ladies ;) are always sexy.

5. Fight. Chuck says fighting is really good for your Chinese. That way you are forced to speak quickly and loudly, and if you say things right you know you’re correct because a guy and then twenty of his friends will try to ninja kick you. They usually miss, Chuck says. Well, unless they’re Tibetan, Chuck says. Don’t get in fights with Tibetans. Just don’t. Ever. That’s what Chuck says, anyway.

As for whether or not you can learn Chinese, I would probably say “no,” because most people are too stupid to learn Chinese. It’s really hard. So, please, don’t even try unless you are searching for something new to fail at.

Thank you.

Pablo.

Well, one thing everybody doesn’t know about being a teacher is that you have to wear pants. Many of us are lucky enough to have been told this in our training sessions. But many of us (like me–I am Pablo) had to learn the hard way. And let me tell you, this is very much an imortant thing, no matter what you may be thinking, because Chinese universities take bare flesh very seriously, and they take leakage especially seriously

Okay, but that’s beside the point. What is the point? Oh yes.

This is what pants look like.

I need pants.

I mean, I needed pants. Now I have some. I bought some yesterday. But let me tell you. It wasn’t easy. No siree. Why?

First of all, in China pant legs–especially on jeans–are usually designed to be about one inch in diameter. This means that when you put them on, all of your fat (in my case: muscle) is scrunched up to either the top or the bottom. This creates a globby flesh ring that jiggles when you or I play with it. Okay. That’s fun, I got to admit, but you still don’t want it, if you have a choice.

Second of all, most of the streetside shops I go to don’t have a dressing room, which means I have to change in the store. Since I am European, I don’t mind baring my flesh in front of other people, but the store owners usually seem a little embarrassed, which is why they sit staring at me with their mouth open the whole time and some women scream and die (or maybe just faint–I’m not sure, I’ve never checked). Also, it does seem that they don’t like it if you are not wearing underwear when you are trying things on. Not sure why. Just something I pick up from their faces–again, China is definitely not like Europe, nor is it like Chuck’s mother’s house.

Anyway, this time I just wore my skin tight tighty whities to the store, so they wouldn’t need to be disturbed when I changed in front of them. Although the pants were too small eventually I found some that created slightly more even and smooth flesh globules, so I bought them.

As for Chuck–well, he wasn’t there. I think he was home drinking.

Yeah, so that’s my story about buying pants.

I hope it has educated deeply.

Thank you.

Pablo

Franky Willacker from Suzhou asks: What about raising pets in China?

Oh! Good question. Such a good question. Pablo and Chuck, in our apartment on the south side have many pets, because we are animal lovers, and Chuck needs his daily milk.

It is a Chicken.

Here is a list of our pets:

1. Chicken
2. Dog
3. Cat
4. Birds.
5. Some guy named David

Although many people are concerned that raising pets in China is actually quite difficult, we are here to tell you that yes, it is.

Why?

Mainly, the problem is that you can never let your animals outside. Like with a jungle or a desert, everything outside your front door in China has the potential to kill you. For little animals, the outside is especially dangerous. This means that all year all your animals are stuck together in your house, where they pee, poo, and spray all over. If one pet kills and eats another pet (David!) then there is also a lot of blood.

For this reason, we recommend putting newspapers everywhere in your apartment. That is what we have done and it works well–just like a big bird cage, or nursery school. When an animal poos, pick up the paper and throw it out your window, where it will land on the ground or hit an old lady on her scooter, which you can then steal (the scooter, not the old lady).

Thank you

Pablo.

Some guy named Louis asks: Who are you?

Okay, yes. As this is just our second post, I am sure many people want to know: who is Pablo, and who is Chuck?

First, let me clarify: I am Pablo. He is chuck.

China: Don’t worry it is not just a map, it is also a country.

Second, we are two hip, modern guys, who love the party, and the ladies. I, from Europe, around Switzerland and Estonia, he from America, especially Missouri. Now we have been living in Chengdu, China for three months, where we do many different things, but especially party . . . and ladies

Haha. But as for jobs, I am a teacher of English (not my first language) and Chuck . . . I don’t know what Chuck does, but he is often not at home.

Why are we in China?

1. Mystic. China is a mystic place, with a long history of mysticism and Kung Fu, which is mystical. As two super philosphical guys, we want to absorb as much of the mystic as possible, and become buddhas.

2. Ladies. We are both ladies men, which we discovered after we arrived in China. We like the ladies, because they are not men, which we are (men).

3. Gold. We have heard there is gold here. Okay. We have brought pans.

As foreign experts in this unique land of 5,000 years of Chinese, we will tell you all about our experiences and impressions and give you guides on how to navigate various problems, especially those with the ladies ;-); but also money, eating, dating, and working related problems to work.

That is all.

Let us know what you think.

Thank you.

Pablo.

“Yes,” I said (I am Pablo) “Of course I will write. Why wouldn’t I? My thumbs have exploded with talent before.”

This was what I (I am Pablo) said to myself in front of the mirror yesterday when I was talking to myself about making a website.

Two hips guys. Okay. They are not Pablo and Chuck, but you get the idea.

I asked Chuck what he thought and he said “Poo!” but I think that was because he had just stpped in some poo on the floor.

After making the decision to make a website, making a website was easy. We mostly just hired some cheap laborers here (uni. students are best) and then also taught them English for an hour. They made a website. But I should add most of the design was my own (Chuck came up with the name).

Well, anyway, ever since I (Pablo) and Chuck moved to China, we have had very much to talk about, not the least of which is: Ladies ;), Chinese, China, Gold and of course ourselves, Pablo and Chuck. So, living such active lives, with so many special things happening to us every day, we hope to share our experiences with you, the blog, and it, the internet. Thank you for coming.

Thank you.

Pablo.

In the Winter of 1972, when Richard Nixon and his delegation first set foot on Chinese soil, they were greeted by Zhou Enlai, a veteran of a generation’s worth of political struggle and upheaval. Nixon’s National Security Advisor, an eager and relatively young Henry Kissinger, was said to be almost in awe of the elder statesmen, a man who had tangled with some of the great diplomatic leaders of the tumultuous 20th century.

Kissinger, Mao, and Zhou Enlai: The “Event” Already Forgotten

When it was his turn to introduce himself, Kissinger locked eyes with Zhou, grabbed his hand firmly, and. in a moment of uncharacteristic lack of focus, let out one, long, orgasmic wheeze. The sound, described by those who were present “as a long-constipated elephant finally getting some laxatives,” lasted for nearly an entire minute, drawing the focus of the entire delegation, and drowning out the noise of aircraft overhead.

Zhou, being the man that he was, endured the onslaught of Kissinger breath throughout it’s entirety. When it was over he let go of Kissinger’s hand and, acting as if nothing happened, patted him on the back in a gesture of good will and statesmanlike brotherhood.

In one small gesture, then, the slate was wiped clean; the embarrasment assuaged. Another wheeze was not heard. The diplomacy continued and the actors involved went to make one of the most momentous diplomatic breakthroughs in 20th century history.

However, from that point on, in the inner circles of the CCP, in whispers and behind closed doors, the name Kissinger was often heard, followed by snickers, and an appellation: “Can’t-Handle-His-Zhou-Henry.”

As China becomes more and more powerful internationally, and its products become more and more ubiquitous throughout the world, interest everywhere seems to be expanding at an almost exponential rate.
Over the last few weeks we have been inundated with email after email of questions about this massive country. Below the most common questions/statements about China […]